How a Baby Changes Things

I sit here today, on the couch, with two cats on either corner of the back of the couch, and a baby sleeping with her new paci on the cushion next to me. I can't find the remote, so the tv is on Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon since I can't turn it. I've had a half of a Mr Pibb and a handful of chips to eat today. There's a empty bottle on the coffee table. And I've learned to run to the bathroom, do my business, and run back---I've almost mastered the art of a 25 second potty break. My biggest roadblocks these days are wipes out of hands reach, a dropped paci on the floor, and a baby that doesn't like to keep her blanket over her legs. I swear she kicks harder and faster than any ninja ever wanted to! And it's the greatest days ever!
Laundry needs to be started, there are a few dishes in the sink, and a litter box that needs to be cleaned out. All of that is going to wait. I'm loving on my baby.
We had our first outing yesterday. We went to my office and met the folks there, then to lunch, then to Babies R Us to do some shopping. Maleigha did great, she rode in her Cadillac stroller and didn't make a peep. She started getting fussy about the time we were coming home, so all is good.
Of all the happiness in my life right now, it's weird that I still find myself sad sometimes. And, no, I don't feel like it's anything major. I cry. I'm hormonal. And it's not a real sadness, as in despair and the world is ending. It's almost a happy sadness. I look at Maleigha and I'm ecstatic. I'm fulfilled. I'm in love, the truest love there ever could be. She looks back at me, and my world is complete. She makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to be the best mother and to be proud to be MY daughter. And then I get scared. What if I'm not? What if I screw up? What if something happens to her, something I can't control? What if she hates me? What if I do something to let her down? And yes, I know, all of these things will happen. I have a mother and all of these things happened between she and I and I think she's the greatest human on earth. I can only hope Maleigha thinks of me half as much as I think of my mom. Then I will have succeeded.
Chuck and I both have had a meltdown this week. Some tears and some laughs. Lots of hugs and reassurances have gotten us through. These two humans that share my home mean more to me than anything. I dont want to see either of them hurt or sad. When they are, I have to step up. Chuck is working day shift this week, so we have our nights as a family which is great. This is the life we've been wanting and waiting for.
The worst part of these days are knowing that I will have to go back to work soon. I dread it --not because of work, but because I will have to leave. We are still working out babysitting arrangements, at least until late February, when our babysitter will be available.
Other happenings this week was I won a trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve from a local radio station. I had to turn it down though, Chuck has to work the day we would be leaving, and we don't have the money to spend right now to go. Still not exactly sure how bills are going to get paid the next couple of months, so definitely don't need to spend money in Vegas! It would be a great getaway for us, but not this time. Maybe it'll happen again!